Little Piece of Shit
by ukemicha
Summary: Konoha was a spectacular village. Unlike the Sand Village powered by solar panels, the Cloud Village powered by windmills, and the Sound Village powered by the cries and tears of pre-pubescent little boys, Konoha was a country of Arab-drilled oil and rainbows. And Obito meets a very cool man.


Fanfiction contest for the month of February on DailyRamen. It's a website where I like to go and piss people off.  
**Rated:** M. Sort of.  
**Characters:** Madara and Obito.  
**Theme:** Awkward Friendship.  
**Dedication:** Sandie. Fuck you, Sandie.

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**Little Piece of Shit.**

Konoha was a spectacular village. Unlike the Sand Village powered by solar panels, the Cloud Village powered by windmills, and the Sound Village powered by the cries and tears of pre-pubescent little boys, Konoha was a country of Arab-drilled oil and rainbows.

Konoha was undoubtedly rich, both in finance and the jungle of tall forests dwarfing the traditional Japanese homes, which is one of the main aspects the retired tourists die for. Not saying literally, of course, because that would be suspicious.

Another reason why this village is a popular attract among the tourists is the excellent five-star saunas, bathhouses, hot springs, Rock Lee, the Hokage Mountain and the exquisite parks where you can encounter friendly residents, local celebrities and molestable kids. _Spectacular_, indeed.

Speaking of which, it was a typical sun-glaring afternoon at the village, and an 11-year old Obito Uchiha was killing time lying under the shade of a tall Banyan Tree near the local park. He could've sat under the Apple tree, five feet to his left, but he'd figured that saying 'Banyan Tree' would be funnierwhen he tells the story to his imaginary friend he keeps chained, wearing a fish net shirt, in his room.

He let his gaze wander inside the park as kids his age played with each other. He watched as they were rolling in the dirt, playing tag,laughing and giggling and another synonym. All kids his age had friends except for him. Obito Uchiha was alone.

Now he could walk back to his home to the _electrifying_ company of his imaginary friend again, but his mother had temporarily kicked him out of the house, delicately saying and I quote, "you're a little piece of shit." That woman was unquestionably a fire cracker in personality, despite her smooth, midnight-black hair and dark complexion thanks to frantic Uchiha-inbreeding. But after giving birth to an Uchiha, it'll be weird if you _didn't _go commando. And Obito didn't blame her.

So he had wandered to the heart of Konoha, the local playground, in hopes that his classmates wouldn't reject him for the 105th time (yes, he kept count) and let him roll around in dirt with them and be a nuisance in general as kids usually are. However, they, too, had rejected him, delicately saying and I quote, "you're a little piece of shit."

Obito decided that they (and two-third of the Naruto fanbase) had a point. So this brings him to the lonesome hours he was spending under the Banyan (yep, still funny) tree in utter solitude, consumed with the desire of companionship, accompanied by the faint scream of his imaginary friend in the back of his mind. He was thirsty for friendship, a platonic, unbreakable bond, and some chilled lemonade because it was still the middle of July and he was wearing a fluffy, heat-trapping jumpsuit.

Without much thought, he took off his jumpsuit, muttering and whispering to himself about the harsh climate he was cursed with at that moment. His actions attracted all kinds of (definitely unwanted) attention from men of certain of age, as he lay back oblivious to the stares of creeps surrounding him.

A man no younger than 50 years old approached had been discretely observing the younger boy since he'd arrive at the park to meet his classmates. Actually, this man had been observing him, following him, and strategically stalking the little kid for more than a month, but that information is irrelevant and better kept that way.

The man cleared his throat loud enough to reveal his presence to the oblivious kid who seemed to be lost in his (most likely unintelligent) thoughts. Obito turned his head towards the tall figure leaning above him. The man had bandages around his wrists, he wore a deep-blue t-shirt that fit him like a glove, and black trousers with the Uchiha symbol Obito knew so well, printed on its sides.

Obito knew this guy. He was Madara Uchiha, one of the most handsome retired authority figures of Konoha, and the current model for L'Oreal shampoo commercials. He might be in his late fifties, but his wrinkles were barely visible, his unnaturally still healthy hair were longer than the French Revolution, and his skin looked as smooth as a baby's bottom. But most of all, he looked **_pissed._**

Obito threw him a look of confusion before the older man spoke in a smooth and delicious voice, "your ass… is sitting on my pet." It took Obito longer than a minute to comprehend what Madara was saying before he jolted up to his feet as if his crotch was on fire.

There it was. A dead squirrel lying where he had gotten up from. Obito was slightly baffled by his ignorance since it seemed that he had been sitting on that dead thing for more than an hour.

"I-I didn't even know it was in there!"

"Sure, you didn't."

"Man, it's dead!"

"Yes, yes it is."

"You own a dead squirrel?"

"It's an Italian breed and its name is Squishy. However, yes, I do own a dead squirrel. Now."

Obito stared at the decaying rodent as the blood and foul smell oozed out of the little thing (on which he had been sitting for an hour).

Madara remained calm and expressionless, in contrast to the younger boy who was examining and poking the dead thing with a stick. He stood with his hands in his pocket, beside Obito, as stoic as a piece of wood.

A very attractive piece of wood.

He cleared his throat again to get the attention of the curious kid, before the said kid jerked to a halt and turned towards Madara

"Man, I'm sorry I did this. I really had no idea I was sitting on your pet," Obito knew that he should be doing anything but provoking a highly respectable public figure of Konoha, and not to mention he was one of the Uchiha clan elders .

Madara still remained suspiciously quiet before he spoke again, "get me a new pet, dipshit."

"W-where would I get a squirrel? I can't even catch the lime disease to avoid school much less catch a wild squirrel!"

"Get me a new pet."

"I can't catch squirrels!"

"Get me another pet."

"What kind o-of pet?"

**"You."**

Now all in Obito's life, people have been hinting (but mostly outright saying) that he was intellectually challenged, and now, he was beginning to see their logic. Obito certainly wasn't an animal, so what was this man suggesting?

Madara seemed to recognize the confused, retarded look on the younger man's face as if he were trying to read the alphabets backwards. "I need an assistant for my next shampoo commercial, but you just killed it. So before I drag your little blood and puss covered ass in to court, fulfill your moral obligation to me, you little punk."

Obito began to catch on. "O-Of course. No problem!" All he needed to say was that he needed a new assistant, Obito would've understood.

Madara calmly picked up the dead squirrel and put it in his backpack before zipping it closed as Obito watched the scene in confusion and slight disgust. They both sat under the tree, keeping a modest distance between them. The first twenty minutes of park gazing went in uncomfortable, awkward silence before Obito couldn't take it anymore and tried to start a conversation.

"So...heard about Pluto? That's messed up."

"Shut up, dipshit."

Another silent 20 minutes went by and Obito opened his mouth to speak again before Madara interrupted.

"If this is a question about some extraterrestrial astronomy shit, keep your mouth closed."

"Actually…I was going to ask you why you had a squirrel for an assistant. You're a reputable, rich celebrity. I've even heard rumors that you own half the shares of MONSANTO. Couldn't you just hire a person?"

"Oh…that…" Madara lowered his head slowly as he appeared gloomier than before. "My best friend and former assistant, Hashirama, moved to Rice Village and opened a gay strip club without me. It was our idea but he stole it from me. So all I'm left with is the custody of our squirrel that we had birthed and bred together…"

If Madara was an anime character, which he was, you can see the purple vertical lines of depressing aura surrounding him. The man fell in to slumbered silence and Obito felt a huge lump in his throat as he began to fathom Madara Uchiha's miserable situation. Obito felt terrible for this guy. He may be the most anti-social, selfish and creepiest man in the world considering the bodies of little kids he has buried in his back yard, but this man has seen **_pain_**. Insanely _excruciating_ pain.

The pain of losing your soul mate; your best friend. Now Obito has never had that kind of friendship with anyone so he had nothing to relate to, except for Bob the Cross dresser whom Obito was really close to but doesn't really exist.

"So…you had a best friend huh? Can't imagine how that must feel…" Obito said as he rested his hands on Madara's shoulders comfortingly.

Madara flinched with the sudden jolt of electricity the younger man sent down his spine with his tender fingers. Madara felt hot as blood rushed to his Madara, Obito's consoling hands felt slightly weird.

Weird, wrong, and _oh __**so **_good.

But of course, Madara would never admit it out loud to Obito or anyone. He wanted to get out as soon as possible so he did just that.

"T-That's because you're a little a piece of shit!"

With that Madara hurriedly walked out, swaying his hips to the sides by drawing a detailed curvy 8, and flipping his hair like a Hollywood bitch, leaving a dumbfounded Obito behind him. The younger man sat taken aback by the sudden unpredicted reaction from Madara before shrugging his shoulders and muttering to himself about something unintelligent, because let's face it, it's Obito.

Obito just couldn't figure it out. What was it about Obito that was so repulsive to be around him, even 60 year old dudes with dead squirrels in their backpacks? Apparently Obito was such a freak that nobody wants to befriend him. Even 60 year old dudes with dead squirrels in their backpacks.

Because for a split second, he thought there was something different about Madara. Something familiar. Obito was thoroughly convinced that he would never see Madara again. But what he didn't know was that this was a whole new beginning of a unique friendship.

Madara would frequent the local park, and they would sit together every day, accompanied by comfortable silence, wild squirrels and whip cream. But that's unimportant because apparently this story of friendship cannot be rated M.

_The End_

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Please stop flooding my inbox with death threats. It's not very nice.


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